Love. What is it? I love my mum, my family, my friends, my skis, my car.... But when it comes to boys it's something defferent. Is it finding someone that shares my interests? Someone that I enjoy spending time with? Is it what I feel, when all of a sudden I want to say it to the boy I've fallen for? I've only ever been in this position twice. Yet, thankfully, something stopped me. I don't even think he likes me any more. I wouldn't either. I just want things out on the table yet he feels the need to hide them after his ex. We aren't even together. I had a date Sunday. The best part was chilling with people I haven't seen in a long time and just being able to take it all in. I don't like this boy, in all honesty I'm not sure why I thought accepting the invitation was a good idea. He's a friend. That's about it. He wants more and I'm well aware. He really likes me. He did the whole possessive, marking territory thing, rubbing my shoulders and giving my friend the "She's with me, I'm watching you" look. I thought it could have been beautiful, I really did, but I'm happy to leave it at what it was. He's a sweet boy, just not for me. The first one, well I don't think there's any hope. I've just made my bed and no matter how uncomfortable it is I'll lie in it.
I guess ultimately I just want honesty, I'd rather hear it from them than find out later on my own. Then again, I usually already know before they do.
Why can't people just say how they feel, why is it dependent on what others think? What happened to being brought up being told, everyone is special because everyone is different? I'm not the same as every other girl. I've been told several times, by several different boys. I'm proud to be different. I don't want to be like everyone else. Part of this is my honesty. I'm not cruel, but I'm honest with who I am and my emotions. I'll tell someone I like them. It's only happened twice, because I've only really liked someone enough to want to spend that much time with them, twice. But I've done it.
I guess I don't think life should be this hard. I feel like I'm banging my head against a disrespectful, inconsiderate, sly, wall. It hurts something shocking.
My heart hurts, my head hurts, and I just don't feel like I can be bothered with anything if people can't be bothered with me.
Wednesday, 30 November 2011
Friday, 18 November 2011
The day.
Today is my birthday. Off to a pretty good start considering last night.
It's funny how on days like today, that you realise who your friends are, and who cares about you. The people that take an interest. The ones that want to let you know they are thinking about you. I guess in all reality, I have a lot more than most people. I have friends who I love with all my heart who love me back just as much. It's these people that make me want to tell the rest that they are self centred pricks that should stop taking their friends for granted. Because in all reality, they have some amazing people in their life that they refuse to acknowledge. I just hope they realise this before it's too late and they loose them all.
On another note, the birthday love has been immense and I am forever grateful for having those amazing people in my life.
It's funny how on days like today, that you realise who your friends are, and who cares about you. The people that take an interest. The ones that want to let you know they are thinking about you. I guess in all reality, I have a lot more than most people. I have friends who I love with all my heart who love me back just as much. It's these people that make me want to tell the rest that they are self centred pricks that should stop taking their friends for granted. Because in all reality, they have some amazing people in their life that they refuse to acknowledge. I just hope they realise this before it's too late and they loose them all.
On another note, the birthday love has been immense and I am forever grateful for having those amazing people in my life.
Thursday, 17 November 2011
Birthdays.
Can't say I'm a fan. I'm going to blame my father for this one. He was either late or didn't show, made a fuss or just ignored the whole thing. I fear rejection because of him and therefor making plans that involve more than one person scare me silly because I think people will bail because there are others to take their place.
Tonight for example I was planning on hitting my local however due to the lack of ineterest from those asked, and the fact that most of them can only do tomorrow night (the actual night when I didn't really want to do anything), I was down to one friend that I knew would be going, who then asked if we could go elsewhere. At which point the final knott tied itself in my stomach and I nearly vomited. So now I'm sitting at home putting ice on my eyes to ease the puffiness that will present itself tomorrow after crying for a solid hour. It's moments like this I wish I'd stayed out of the state as initially planned and spent my birthday among only a couple of friends, who wouldn't fuss as I had asked and who wouldn't care if I slept all day or went to work or we just sat at home and watched a movie to celebrate. What scares me most is that this isn't the actual day and I still have tomorrow to get through. I'm at that point where I wish I could just sleep until Saturday and wake up with this all behind me. I know you've been there, wanted something over so badly you'd do anything just to avoid it.
On top of all this I've made mum feel like crap because all she's done is try to make this perfect for me and nice and enjoyable but I'm just not having a good time. I didn't ask for anything, but she's still making a big deal. I appreciate it all, I really do, but at the same time it's making me feel worse because I feel I should be having a good time but I'm just not. I just want it over.
As for tomorrow night, if anyone is reading this, wish me luck in getting through it without tears, because right now I can't seem to stop them.
Tonight for example I was planning on hitting my local however due to the lack of ineterest from those asked, and the fact that most of them can only do tomorrow night (the actual night when I didn't really want to do anything), I was down to one friend that I knew would be going, who then asked if we could go elsewhere. At which point the final knott tied itself in my stomach and I nearly vomited. So now I'm sitting at home putting ice on my eyes to ease the puffiness that will present itself tomorrow after crying for a solid hour. It's moments like this I wish I'd stayed out of the state as initially planned and spent my birthday among only a couple of friends, who wouldn't fuss as I had asked and who wouldn't care if I slept all day or went to work or we just sat at home and watched a movie to celebrate. What scares me most is that this isn't the actual day and I still have tomorrow to get through. I'm at that point where I wish I could just sleep until Saturday and wake up with this all behind me. I know you've been there, wanted something over so badly you'd do anything just to avoid it.
On top of all this I've made mum feel like crap because all she's done is try to make this perfect for me and nice and enjoyable but I'm just not having a good time. I didn't ask for anything, but she's still making a big deal. I appreciate it all, I really do, but at the same time it's making me feel worse because I feel I should be having a good time but I'm just not. I just want it over.
As for tomorrow night, if anyone is reading this, wish me luck in getting through it without tears, because right now I can't seem to stop them.
Wednesday, 16 November 2011
Life
I'm 19.
I turn 20 in two days. I can't say I'm stoked about it. I don't really like birthdays, I think that's my dad's fault. I don't evn want to go out for it, I knew I'd feel this way but I made plans anyway and now I'm regretting them.
So far in my two decades of life, I've driven on my own up and down the east coast of Australia, I'm currently studying, I've done two seasons at the snow, I've run an entire hotel on my own (mind you it was relatively empty), I've managed a restaurant, I've stolen (and returned unbeknowest to the girlfriend) 4 boyfriends (though I can't say I was entirely aware of all their attachments), and I've made enouh money to have a deposit on a house but I've spent it all on living the perfect life. I regret none of it.
Now I'm completely lost, sitting at mum's looking for jobs at places that don't want to hire me because I have no previous employment history in clothing retail. I can talk my way into a job that doesn't exist in any cafe or bar, they make a job for me. Right now all I want to do is sell someone their loved one's Christmas present and do you think I can get a job? No.
It's driving me insane.
Not to mention the family and friend side of things. For someone who was so sure, I have no idea what I'm doing now. I wish I was the old me. Me at the start of the year. The one who knew everything that she wanted. Because this me, the one I'm living with now is giving me a whole lot of grief in her uncertainty.
I turn 20 in two days. I can't say I'm stoked about it. I don't really like birthdays, I think that's my dad's fault. I don't evn want to go out for it, I knew I'd feel this way but I made plans anyway and now I'm regretting them.
So far in my two decades of life, I've driven on my own up and down the east coast of Australia, I'm currently studying, I've done two seasons at the snow, I've run an entire hotel on my own (mind you it was relatively empty), I've managed a restaurant, I've stolen (and returned unbeknowest to the girlfriend) 4 boyfriends (though I can't say I was entirely aware of all their attachments), and I've made enouh money to have a deposit on a house but I've spent it all on living the perfect life. I regret none of it.
Now I'm completely lost, sitting at mum's looking for jobs at places that don't want to hire me because I have no previous employment history in clothing retail. I can talk my way into a job that doesn't exist in any cafe or bar, they make a job for me. Right now all I want to do is sell someone their loved one's Christmas present and do you think I can get a job? No.
It's driving me insane.
Not to mention the family and friend side of things. For someone who was so sure, I have no idea what I'm doing now. I wish I was the old me. Me at the start of the year. The one who knew everything that she wanted. Because this me, the one I'm living with now is giving me a whole lot of grief in her uncertainty.
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