Birthdays.

Can't say I'm a fan. I'm going to blame my father for this one. He was either late or didn't show, made a fuss or just ignored the whole thing. I fear rejection because of him and therefor making plans that involve more than one person scare me silly because I think people will bail because there are others to take their place.
Tonight for example I was planning on hitting my local however due to the lack of ineterest from those asked, and the fact that most of them can only do tomorrow night (the actual night when I didn't really want to do anything), I was down to one friend that I knew would be going, who then asked if we could go elsewhere. At which point the final knott tied itself in my stomach and I nearly vomited. So now I'm sitting at home putting ice on my eyes to ease the puffiness that will present itself tomorrow after crying for a solid hour. It's moments like this I wish I'd stayed out of the state as initially planned and spent my birthday among only a couple of friends, who wouldn't fuss as I had asked and who wouldn't care if I slept all day or went to work or we just sat at home and watched a movie to celebrate. What scares me most is that this isn't the actual day and I still have tomorrow to get through. I'm at that point where I wish I could just sleep until Saturday and wake up with this all behind me. I know you've been there, wanted something over so badly you'd do anything just to avoid it.
On top of all this I've made mum feel like crap because all she's done is try to make this perfect for me and nice and enjoyable but I'm just not having a good time. I didn't ask for anything, but she's still making a big deal. I appreciate it all, I really do, but at the same time it's making me feel worse because I feel I should be having a good time but I'm just not. I just want it over.
As for tomorrow night, if anyone is reading this, wish me luck in getting through it without tears, because right now I can't seem to stop them.