Love.

Love. What is it? I love my mum, my family, my friends, my skis, my car.... But when it comes to boys it's something defferent. Is it finding someone that shares my interests? Someone that I enjoy spending time with? Is it what I feel, when all of a sudden I want to say it to the boy I've fallen for? I've only ever been in this position twice. Yet, thankfully, something stopped me. I don't even think he likes me any more. I wouldn't either. I just want things out on the table yet he feels the need to hide them after his ex. We aren't even together. I had a date Sunday. The best part was chilling with people I haven't seen in a long time and just being able to take it all in. I don't like this boy, in all honesty I'm not sure why I thought accepting the invitation was a good idea. He's a friend. That's about it. He wants more and I'm well aware. He really likes me. He did the whole possessive, marking territory thing, rubbing my shoulders and giving my friend the "She's with me, I'm watching you" look. I thought it could have been beautiful, I really did, but I'm happy to leave it at what it was. He's a sweet boy, just not for me. The first one, well I don't think there's any hope. I've just made my bed and no matter how uncomfortable it is I'll lie in it.
I guess ultimately I just want honesty, I'd rather hear it from them than find out later on my own. Then again, I usually already know before they do.
Why can't people just say how they feel, why is it dependent on what others think? What happened to being brought up being told, everyone is special because everyone is different? I'm not the same as every other girl. I've been told several times, by several different boys. I'm proud to be different. I don't want to be like everyone else. Part of this is my honesty. I'm not cruel, but I'm honest with who I am and my emotions. I'll tell someone I like them. It's only happened twice, because I've only really liked someone enough to want to spend that much time with them, twice. But I've done it.
I guess I don't think life should be this hard. I feel like I'm banging my head against a disrespectful, inconsiderate, sly, wall. It hurts something shocking.

My heart hurts, my head hurts, and I just don't feel like I can be bothered with anything if people can't be bothered with me.